Junipurr Journal

This just rocks!

2008-09-26T13:43:00.000-07:00

There are so many times when I too want to say:

"That was outloud...did you know that?"

Roy Zimmerman - "Jerry Fallwell's God"

A post by request

2008-07-05T19:37:00.000-07:00

It was requested today that I post to give an update on what is going on here. Well, everyone is doing fine. I just finished catching up on all the blogs that have been written by the kids for the past two weeks. They are all posted on the Family Website. It is nice to be caught up.

I still need to get some posting done with pictures of Andrew's visit. That will be fun. Life has a funny way of taking over though and making it difficult to write about what is happening...

I am a Prophetess!!

2008-06-06T20:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I said that I was sure something would come up with my best friend's ex regarding her trip. Sure enough it did! Quite literally actually!!

Her attorney emailed this morning that both the ex and my friend's son have the stomach flu. Apparently it is a sneaky spontaneous flu that strikes two people at EXACTLY the same time right before they are scheduled to travel for visitation, evaluation and her psychological testing (that has already been re-scheduled three times). It is going around you know.

Oh, and a little later we heard that it is a 4-7 day flu. What an amazing coincidence. Of course there were no signs at all that she was coming down with anything last night when she was going to an Open House and needed confirmation of the visitation schedule "no later than"...

I don't think I will ever forget the look on the kids faces when they heard that their brother wouldn't be here tonight after all. Chris was at work and they kept making plans for his arrival. I couldn't let them keep doing that. They just had to know.

I told them simply that their mother said she and their brother were sick and so they wouldn't be coming after all. They were devastated, absolutely devatated.

Another Surreal Moment

2008-06-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

My best friend’s ex-wife really out-does herself over and over and over again. The gaps in her “thinking” are amazing. Just a little while ago he got an email requiring scheduling arrangements be made for his ex’s visit this weekend. She demanded an email “no later than” a certain time because she was leaving for the airport and declaring that he was NOT to call her but HAD to respond by email.

If my best friend had been refusing to respond to her attempts to arrange time that would be one thing, but he INITIATED the email exchange to set up the times and exchange locations. If you only read her email you would have a very distorted picture of the whole situation. For instance you might get the idea that he has been harassing her with phone calls. He hasn’t called at all!!

Something I’m sure will come up at the last second. It always does. And we’ll deal with it the best we can…like always.

Frustrations...

2008-06-05T18:06:00.000-07:00

If you had an attorney, would you fire him, go pro-se and then get pissed off when you were contacted about a routine scheduling?

Well, that is what my ex did.

I don’t understand that mentality. Why would you get that upset about a situation you created for yourself in the first place? I don’t get it.

But then again it was because I got tired of all his crazy making behavior (and I got tired of walking on eggshells so I wouldn’t get my head bit off for the simplest thing) that I left him in the first place. Well, that and some of the things my son was saying. I just couldn’t pretend anymore.

It is just bizarre.

Birthdays

2008-06-02T08:06:00.000-07:00

I have a very weird “relationship” with my birthday. Most of my history with it is not the best. Last year I tried something completely different. I didn’t mention it to anyone. My birthday came and went without the slightest notice to me from anyone in the world. It was odd but kind of nice. No expectations, nothing. Just another day.

This year I approached my birthday the same way. No expectations. As it turned out, my best friend took me out to dinner. It was nice too! :D

As a corollary, I was raised that holidays (including birthdays) were a really BIG deal! That the day itself was important and had to be perfect! I much prefer my current approach. Absolutely celebrate holidays, but in a way that works. If it doesn’t work to celebrate on “the day” then pick another one and go with the flow!

Very revolutionary I know but it is SO much less stress!!

Perspective – I love it!

Holy Cow!!

2008-06-01T20:23:00.000-07:00

I can’t believe what just happened! In order to understand what happened though some background might be helpful.

I live with my best friend and four of his five children. His other son lives with his ex. My son lives here too. Both my ex and my best friend’s ex live in CA about an hour away from each other.

I just finished a custody evaluation regarding my son and the divorce is final but not much else. The evaluator decided that residential custody would stay with me and that my ex would have visitation. My best friend is also in the middle of an evaluation.

Part of the contact my son has with his adopted father in CA is via phone every day. My ex either calls or my son calls. Either way if I EVER hear my son being rude or speaking inappropriately while on the phone I have always corrected him. The exact same thing is true if I EVER hear him speaking to ANY adult rudely or inappropriately.

None of the children here are allowed to speak rudely to or about adults, let alone their parents.

My best friend’s ex had actively denied visitation of his son in CA for nearly a year. He finally saw his son for a few hours a couple of weeks ago because of the evaluation (his ex HAD to bring his son here) which has arisen from his motions for a) more parenting time and b) enforcement of current parenting time.

One of the responding claims of my best friend’s ex is that he and I are poisoning the children against her. She has no idea that the EXACT OPPOSITE is true. Both my best friend and I work hard to help the children here have a good relationships with our ex spouses. We encourage healthy, respectful relationships with their parents. You’d think that if she was claiming we were poisoning the children that she would make sure she had “clean hands”. She doesn’t and that is where the “holy cow” comes in.

During my best friend’s recent visit with his son I was around, took pictures of them together and even played with both of them some times. We had a good time!

Recently, my friend’s son has called more (with help from mom) and also on his own! He and I have also had occasion to be on the phone with one another. When I am passing the phone to someone else, when he calls and no one else is here but me, etc. We have had some fun conversations! He has even asked to speak to me quite a bit, even right after returning from his trip here.

However within the past four days something interesting has happened. There have been a few more phone calls than usual. I answer the phone and I hear something like, “Hello? Who is this?” When I identify myself I then hear something like, “Get off the phone!!! You’re nasty!! You’re a nasty, nasty!!”

This is not an isolated event and I just remind him that he can ask politely for who he would like and then I give the phone to them. However, tonight what COMPLETELY FLOORED me was that while I answered the phone while my friend was temporarily unavailable (the call had been disconnected and his son called back) he did the same thing. I told him to just wait for a minute and I clearly heard his mom in the background telling him to ask for other people. He kept calling me names and speaking beyond rudely. She obviously heard it and did NOTHING!!! There was no correction of ANY kind!

I couldn’t BELIEVE it!!! She is claiming that we (specifically I) am a horrible “evil” person and yet she lets (and it sounds like encourages) him to talk that way to me and about me. There is no reasonable way that he would go from asking to talk to me one phone call to calling me “nasty, nasty!” and ordering me off the phone on the next without “help” from other people.

My jaw is still on the floor that he was allowed to speak that way to any adult.

Shopping - Jennifer/Mom

2008-05-16T15:49:00.000-07:00

Time to go shopping for the party tonight...I will blog again when we get back to report what we will be having/doing for our party!

WKRP

2008-05-16T15:07:00.000-07:00

We found that “WKRP in Cincinnati” is on hulu. This is such a cool find. It was said that WKRP would never be available outside of re-runs because of how much music they played on the show.

Apparently someone got around that problem.

“As God as my witness….I thought turkeys could fly” – Mr. Carlson

Lunchtime

2008-05-16T11:40:00.001-07:00

At or around noon I always think of Jacob saying, “What should we do for lunch?” It doesn’t matter if we finished breakfast 4 hours or 10 minutes previously. The clock says 12 and Jacob asks. It is funny. If I remind him that he just ate he responds with, “Oh yeah, you’re right.” Usually that is followed by, “Well then, what should we do for dinner?”

So, it’s noon…

…”What should we do for lunch?”

Things that make you go hmmmm.....

2008-05-16T10:18:00.000-07:00

I have found myself thinking a lot this morning about medicine. Specifically pharmaceuticals.

Throughout my life I have had varying relationships to them. For instance, there was a time when I didn’t (wouldn’t) even take over the counter pain killers when I had a migraine that was so bad I couldn’t function. I was very “granola” at the time and into “natural remedies”. So, I used those methods to address what was happening.

However, what I found incredible was that at the same time I was with my now “ex” and he (as a pediatric osteopath) would spend his days and nights telling other people to solve their medical problems with herbs and essential oils. He even “prescribed” the oils and nutritional products and had his patients “sign up” to buy them “under him”. (For all I know he still does that.)

Anyway, what would really get me was that if HE ever had any pain or whatever he would have me get him OTC pain meds. He even wrote a prescription for me and had me fill it when it was really for himself. Incredible!

It really stuck in my craw though was when his patients would come up to me and ask me how we lived on this really weird diet that he recommends to almost all of them. (Mucusless Diet) It is vegetarian and on this diet you can have no milk products at all. My ex would tell them that he ate this way and it really was good.

After lots of attempts to dodge the question because we absolutely didn’t live the “mucusless diet life” (my ex lived on cheese and milk products) I couldn’t take the hypocrisy of the situation and would laugh when the patients would ask me about it. I would then go on to tell them about the half-gallon of Bryers ice cream that was in the freezer, the cheese in the fridge and the other “violations” that were in the house. I would concede that I tried to cook healthy but that it was really hard and they needed to give themselves a break.

I am so glad I don’t have to deal with that anymore!

Paper...

2008-05-16T09:34:00.000-07:00

...it breeds like rabbits I think.

It must! We need more filing cabinets!

Early morning collections calls...

2008-05-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

...Grrrrrrr!!!!!!

What makes it even worse is that it is someone asking for my best friend's Ex-wife! They are calling more and more lately. They are even leaving messages at his parents house! Why are we getting collections calls for her here? They have been divorced for 5 years!

It is getting ridiculous. I finally get a chance for a cat nap and it gets interrupted by a phone call from someone asking for someone who hasn't even lived in the state for over 7 years!

Enough is enough!

Showers!

2008-05-16T07:24:00.000-07:00

I am so glad that I live in the time of indoor plumbing!

I have always thought it would be kind of cool in someways to live as a noble in England or something in the 17th century or some similar time and place. Long dresses have always appealed to me although I haven't had very many in my life.

Still, one of the very biggest drawbacks would be the lack of indoor plumbing and laundry. I wouldn't want to live without it!

Well time to go enjoy one of the MANY benefits of being alive TODAY!

Mr. Deity (Season 2 - Episode 9)

2008-05-16T06:45:00.000-07:00

This is out of order in posting because I was trying to go in episode order but I can't resist posting it RIGHT NOW! It is my favorite Mr. Deity and it is so appropo at this point. LOL!

"Mr. Deity and the Help Meet"

From Crackle: Mr. Deity and the Help Meet - Season 2, Ep 9

Getting the kids off...

2008-05-16T05:30:00.000-07:00

Well, it is just about time to get the kids up and so they can get ready for school. Funny how we keep going and do what needs to be done, even when we are so tired we can hardly see straight.

Same routine every morning. I wonder if there will ever be a time when they don't need one of us up to keep them going. hmmmmm....

What a pleasant thought that is. Someday....

Mawwage...

2008-05-16T04:40:00.000-07:00

"Mawwage is what bwings us twogevow today!"

Ok, "Princess Bride" is one of the best movies of all time! I can't believe that anyone doesn't like that movie. I guess I should have paid more attention when I was engaged to my "ex" and he said he didn't like it and didn't get it.

It was a sign! (...except I don't really believe in those anymore damnit!)

Anyway, our topic this hour is marriage.

I was sold a bill of goods my whole life that "eternal marriage" was the only "real" marriage and the only kind of marriage worth ANYTHING. At this point all I have to say about that is BULL-SHIT!

I was taught that the Spirit would guide me to the right man if I just listened to the whisperings. Well, I have had two "eternal marriages" now that weren't so "eternal" after all. I was seeking for a partner and a friend in each one that I could spend "eternity" with loving and caring for one another. Instead in each I found that I was praying and living for eternity to "make everything better" because what I was living wasn't very sweet.

I was told to "have faith" and that I needed to keep my "eye on the prize" and "endure to the end" and I would be blessed. Well, I came to a realization. I didn't want to be miserable in this life with the "promise" that everything would turn around and be better in the next. I didn't want to be the "good little suffering soldier" any longer. Also, I didn't really believe that someone could spend a lifetime being one way and then if I were faithful enough that person would "spontaneously change" and things would be blissful for all eternity.

Ironically, it was when I rejected marriage that I found the exact kind of relationship that I have always been looking for. If there is an eternity, I believe it will be a lot like what I create here and now.

It is so much nicer spending my time with my best friend instead of someone who I wished would be at least friendly to me.

Sleep...

2008-05-16T03:24:00.000-07:00

I should be at least trying to get some sleep...

...although I haven't been getting very good sleep the past little while (I guess it has even been the past few months come to think of it). Of course tonight there are things to do.

Roadents - Our new funny show!!

2008-05-16T01:26:00.000-07:00

Ok, so we came across this show surfing on Crackle waiting for Season 3 of Mr. Deity to start showing up.

Roadents and "The Beef Barn"

This is just the way life is sometimes dealing with some people....

..."If I could just get a fish taco."

From Crackle: Roadents: Episode 3

Mr. Deity (Season 1 - Episode 10)

2008-05-16T00:18:00.000-07:00

Mr. Deity and the Seed

Mr. Deity (Season 1 - Episode 9)

2008-05-15T23:12:00.000-07:00

Mr. Deity and the Book

I love it! :D

Jack-in-the-Box

2008-05-15T22:07:00.000-07:00

So the other night my best friend and I were going through the drive-in at Jack-in-the-Box. We like Jack-in-the-Box and so we were excited when one opened earlier this year. We have been there a few times now.

Just recently we found out that they use a “call center” for taking orders at the drive-thru menu. In other words the person taking the order is sitting in Texas while we are at a Jack-in-the-Box in Colorado. Weird. Still kind-of a cool idea and pretty efficient when we thought about it a bit.

Back to the most recent drive-in experience…

We are sitting at the menu and the voice asks us as it has EVERY time we have gone through since it’s opening, “Do you want that medium or large”. We each said medium (as we always have) and I noticed for the first time that the prices on the “total” screen were .40 higher than the price on the menu. Ok, strange. We thought that there must have been some kind of mistake and pulled around to ask the person at the window.

Now, before I proceed with this story you need to understand. There has never been anything in the tone of the order taker that even suggested there was anything other than a medium or large option. It has always sounded COMPLETELY matter of fact that the order taker was inquiring which size, medium or large was preferred as if there were only two sizes. The same tone and inflections were also used each visit as we were asked if we wanted regular or curly fries.

Turns out that there are THREE sizes…small, medium and large!!

They don’t ever say it is an upgrade they are offering you or give any indication that they are offering you two choices that BOTH increase the price of the meal you are ordering.

Shame on you Jack-in-the-Box!!!

Oh, by the way…can you say “deceptive business practices by electronic communication across state lines”…can you say “a pattern of deceptive business practices by electronic communication across state lines”…can you say “RICO”?

I knew you could!

The “Blog-a-thon”

2008-05-15T21:15:00.000-07:00

My best friend and I just decided to have a “Blog-a-thon”. It is sort of a contest and sort of just to motivate us to ACTUALLY post about stuff when we keep saying to each other…”That ought to go on the blog.”

So, here is the plan. Or rather the general idea. We are going to write and post every hour for 48 eight hours. I think it may be a bit over the top but I think it is also going to be fun.

Oh and the post I just did doesn’t count...rats!!!

"Ducks and Squirrels...

2008-05-15T19:14:00.000-07:00

...living together grass hysteria!"

Ok, so the "quote" has been modified slightly. Anyone know where it comes from?

Reflections continued...

2008-05-08T06:40:00.000-07:00

I have thought quite frequently that it is a bit of ironic justice that so many "strong and faithful" are leaving the church. We are those who were raised to believe and be faithful; who strove to know and live the fullness; who put aside time and time again any nagging logical thoughts that "this doesn't make sense"; who over and over again "made it work" and "just had faith" that God would give us the answers someday.

We want what to do the right thing, to live good lives, to be the best people we can be. We strive to live to live as "close to the gospel" as possible. We actually work very hard at it and study and serve and do our best to be faithful. We are those in a typical ward who have 2-5 callings because we WILL serve the best we can and feel obligated to "give all that we have been blessed with or that we will be blessed with to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for the building up of the kingdom of God on the earth" (I know I might not have gotten the quote exact, but it is close enough.). We will take just about whatever our "leaders" dish out because it is our duty as faithful servants to support our inspired leaders...after all we covenanted to do so.

The irony comes that it is this aspect of ourselves that can end up "causing" us to leave the church. We study to be more faithful and learn more and discover things (even in the "official" sources) that we can no longer explain away or "put off" for a higher explanation later. (I will address a lot of these in later posts.) Or we are finally broken by the weight of all that is given for us to carry by those who won't and we say enough and start looking at the basic assuptions that we have never wondered about before and just accepted "on faith".

Whatever happens, we figure out that it is ultimately just a bunch of men (lots of them flat out liars) who founded an organization and the current batch is just running a corporation. At that point our own integrity that kept us striving to remain in the Church "doing the right thing" will no longer let us support an organization that is not "doing the right thing". We CAN'T stay in the LDS Church.

Then we are villianized by those who stay because they have to have an explanation for why we left that doesn't challenge their ability to stay. So fundamentally we have to be sinning or offended or in denial about the truth, etc. It is the only way to explain it.

The personality we have that made it possible for us to stay for so long then makes it IMpossible to stay once we reach a certain point. Fascinating.

Reflections on Leaving Mormonism

2008-05-07T22:50:00.000-07:00

Some have wondered how I could leave Mormonism. I was so strong, so faithful. My testimony was so strong. How could I possibly fall?

I personally think that the loss of someone with "strenth of testimony" I used to have scares those that are still in the church. They simply don't know how to deal with what looks like such an extreme change. While it is true that there are MANY things that are different about how I live my life now, it is interesting how many essential things have NOT changed.

The rumors are that I let myself get tempted and fell into sin. That my thinking and soul has been corrupted by leading a sinful life that I now justify by finding fault with the LDS Church. That I have become a classic apostate (there are also probably rumors of me reaching much darker depths) and I have become one to be wary of and that I am definately very deluded if I can deny my former testimony and "turn my back" on God and the Church.

More innocent explanations are that I am just mad about how "certain things" have been handled. That I am eventually going to "get over it" and I will "find my way back." To those with that opinion: Please don't hold your breath.

Ironically I don't think that I have really changed that much at all. I am still the same person at my core. I still want to do the right thing. I just no longer hold "God says so" as a very good basis for a moral code and it is not even a very solid basis. (Yes there can actually be morality without God!!)

So, I have decided to formalize some of my thoughts on this subject here in this blog. There is so much that it will take multiple posts. However this blog won't become only a series of rants so no worries!

Another Mr. Deity Episode

2008-05-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

Season 1 Episode 8: Mr. Deity and the Top Ten

Very late post...

2008-04-17T06:26:00.000-07:00

The B.B. King concert was awesome!!!

My history with live performances is usually with symphonies, ballets, plays, etc. They have been few and far between though since I left college. It was also the first performance of any kind in about 18 years that didn't have a prayer at the beginning of it. Anyone who has lived in Utah or who went to BYU knows what I'm talking about!

I must confess I have never been to a "rock" concert before. I know, I know...B.B. King has a Blues Band. Still it was the first concert even remotely in that category that I had ever seen!

It was a wonderful night!

B.B. King was simply amazing. He is over 80 and still has his voice and can play wonderfully. He is funny too! The entire concert was a monologue interspersed with music.

For instance, he explained that everywhere he goes he sees signs that say "B.B. King's last concert". Then he went on to say that he hadn't heard anything about this before. He said it probably wouldn't be true because he has this condition called "Need More".

Bring it on B.B.!

Just a quick post...

2008-04-12T07:19:00.001-07:00

...mainly to remind myself that I need to post later about the B.B.King concert. Also a permanent note to self here..."Don't let the boys schedule an early morning hike (that you need to get them up and ready for) when you have a concert the night before!!!"

One of my favorite Mr. D's

2008-04-11T05:56:00.000-07:00

I just love this show! This is Season 1 Episode 7: "Mr. Deity and the Tour de Hell"

Even More Mr. Deity

2008-04-05T19:19:00.000-07:00

I think this is the next episode. YouTube doesn't say it is Episode 6 but the Mr. Deity site does...

Here it is!

More Mr. D

2008-04-04T17:39:00.000-07:00

Here you go! Season 1 Episode 5: Mr. Deity and Lucifer

The next installment!

2008-04-04T06:13:00.000-07:00

Mr. Deity, Season 1 Episode 4 ... Mr. Deity and the Messages

Ok, there is a problem embedding this right now...Here is the link insetad... Mr. Deity and the Messages

Fixed...here it is!

More Mr. Deity

2008-04-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

The next Mr. Deity episode...Season 1 Episode 3

Mr. Deity and The Light

Time for more Mr. Deity

2008-04-02T19:25:00.000-07:00

Here it is...Mr. Deity and the Really Big Favor (Season 1 Episode 2)

ENJOY!!

An Awsome Series!

2008-04-01T15:19:00.000-07:00

I have have recommended this show over and over. For two of my friends I have been recommending this show to I am posting a link a day so you can see it and tell me what you think!

Here it is...Mr. Deity...Season 1 Episode 1

Haircuts...

2008-03-30T19:09:00.000-07:00

I gave five haircuts today. I feel like I accomplished a lot. Kind of silly...but I do.

Everyone under fifteen is in bed at the moment. (Besides the furballs). Donald and Daisy (Welsh Pembroke Corgis) are real cuties. Unfortunately Daisy is in heat at the moment and Donald is starting to figure out what he is "supposed" to do. So we have to keep them apart which makes both of them miserable.

Found an interesting YouTube today on the book of Job (from the Bible) done by ProfMTH. The guy is an atheist and he gives a very nice summary of the problems found in the book of Job that so many christians completely overlook. It was kinda spooky looking at it in a way because about two years ago I really studied this in an attempt to figure out why I had so many "trials". I believed I just wasn't righteous enough.

I wish I had seen this video sooner.

Spring Cleaning!

2008-03-27T18:58:00.000-07:00

We are in the middle of spring cleaning. We didn't have money for a vacation trip during spring break this year so we decided to spring clean doing small fun things each day after cleaning.

Today we took off. Everyone had either been up too early or up too late (or both in the case of the adults) and trying to get a major cleaning project done would not have gone over very well.

Tomorrow we will get back on track!

Over a year and a half has passed...

2008-03-26T23:36:00.000-07:00

Nearly two years since my last post actually.

Wow! So much is different.

The end of June 2006 I moved back to Colorado. I'm happy here. I have grown so much here.

Yes, I miss the ocean but the mountains are great!

Lots of changes...still more to come!

Change...

2006-06-06T05:58:00.000-07:00

Things they are a changin'.

My body itself is experiencing massive change. It is wonderful! I can feel it within me. New muscles. New energy. New life.

This change within me is manifesting physically and I am loving it!

It is a little bit odd in different moments.

Yes, this fat chick is shedding her former negative beliefs and thoughts...with them come the FAT!!

Yippee!

The best part is...although there are moments of nervousness because this is so new...there is no more fear at my core. I am peaceful. I am healing.

Shattered!

2006-05-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

WOW!! WOW!! WOW!!

On Saturday I got the BEST gift! Without even realizing it was happening, in one fell swoop my negative core belief was totally SHATTERED!!

It was totally amazing. I knew it was powerful and I knew that it was wrecking havoc in multiple (dare I say every?) aspect of my life. At the same time I was working to erradicate it and there was nothing I could do of myself alone to shift it. I did a lot of groundwork yes. And I don't think that things Saturday would have happened the way they had if I hadn't done that much work in preparation. What a gift of Grace!

The farmer plows, prepares and plants...and yet ultimately has no real control over growth...and yet what could have grown if the work hadn't been done?

Still pretty pervasive and fantastic!

I love the changes and the peace...

2006-04-29T14:11:00.000-07:00

I am having a want everything to change, get better and "poof" be the way I want it to be...all by my going back to bed...kind of day.

Nothing is definably wrong. I just want to do everything and yet also want to do nothing (be taken care of) at the same time. Wierd.

That is just the space I am in today. There is so much to be done....so much I want to do and so much I want to get done and there is this undercurrent of "make it all go away!!!!!!"

I don't understand this and I guess I really don't have to. The hours of today will pass whether I understand it or not.

I have done a lot today. I just hate the icky undercurrent going on.

*Sigh...*

Writing...

2006-04-25T14:49:00.000-07:00

Madeline L'Engle said, "You have to write everyday whether you feel like it or not!" She went on to explain that sometimes the inspiration doesn't come before the writing begins only during or once work has begun. Sometimes inspiration doesn't come at all. Sometimes it is just work. However, if you don't do the work, when the inspiration does come there won't be readiness, training or ability waiting to receive it.

So, although I don't feel like writing today...I believe that deep down I do desire to write I am just unsure of what or how to give voice to my feelings/thoughts/etc. and I don't want to "fail" or be "bad" at what I do.

Pondering change...what I wouldn't give for a magic wand. I know what I want to be and how I want to be...I just seem to trip and fall each time I start down the path. Oh, well. I really, really, really want to "walk".

Gentle with myself. I am working on that one. I am so impatient with myself. I want to be good enough. That is part of why I loved being in Eureka (actually Loleta) so much. I finally felt "enough". Even when I was not being all the things I thought I should be or all the things I thought others thought I should be. I began to get the inkling and stirrings that I am enough.

I am enough just because I am.

I am enough....I am enough....I am enough...

Thoughtful Morning

2006-04-24T04:45:00.000-07:00

I got up early this morning....VERY early and have had a interesting time. Funny how early mornings are different than late nights. My tendency is to stay up late and then sleep late. Yet mornings have a beautiful solitude that nights just don't seem to contain.

More peaceful. More focused. More introspective.

And the introspections that happen in the morning are so unique. Not nearly as prone to be filled with self-recriminations and long sessions with the "big ugly stick". Maybe that has to do with the prospect of a day ahead. I still haven't "failed" yet today. I haven't messed up on yet another goal. I haven't dropped the ball for someone else. Haven't screwed up my goal of using positive communication and yelled at my son (or husband). And on and on...

Quiet. A different kind of quiet. Not only is the family asleep....except for the cat who was thrilled I was up so could give him another can of food!....my harsh treatment of myself is quiet as well. I am much softer with myself in the morning.

Interesting...

I can still be a "night owl". Maybe I just need to use a different part of the "night".

Very interesting....

2006-04-23T15:59:00.000-07:00

Pics of the trip to Eureka are back!
This is of a "side trip" we took up the coast a bit to Trinidad.

My friend kept telling me "don't look it is just too ugly!!"

Too bad she was right! :D

I loved it sooooo much! We are hoping to go back up there soon...REALLY soon.
The beauty and majesty of nature always amaze me.

"Dad" says that too many in this world suffer from NDD (Nature Deficit Disorder). After the wonderful experience I had up here I am inclined to agree! I plan to continue to my recovery by spending time in nature and next to the ocean as much as possible.

This was taking during a walk in the "yard" (a.k.a. the 5 acres we stayed on). We had such a good time exploring and seeing how incredible nature is!!

There were many different kinds of mushrooms and they grew litereally EVERYWHERE!!!

I took 18 rolls of film on this trip. I positively LOVED photographing everything. I am going to post just a couple of the highlights here though! I positively MUST return to photography!!! :D
I am deeply grateful that I took so many photos. I have such a deep feeling return as I look at them.

I am excited to get them scrapbooked. I am thinking about enlarging some of them and framing them or something like that. Not all the details are there yet. Like most of the things in my life it is a work in progress.

There was sooooooo much green and it was all so beautiful.

My heart aches to return!

Centering

2006-02-12T06:24:00.000-08:00

I have recently returned from a trip to Northern California. Eureka!

I love on so many different levels that the town near where I stayed is named Eureka!

I had so many "Eureka!" moments. Many large ones and innumerable small ones. It was so valuable and important for me to spend the time there that I did. Was it just the timing and I would have realized what I did anyway no matter where I was? Was it the company I was keeping? Because it was fantastically wonderful and profoundly supportive? Was it my physical location? Being so close to the ocean and so near so much nature and beauty? Was it the unique combination of everything? Does it matter?

I just know that my visit there was healing and centering. I will be forever grateful that I was able to go. Return trips are already being planned by those who went and others are planned to bring along for our next visit.

Ultimately I suppose healing is a choice. One that each of us must make individually. Then, when the choice is made and it is truely CHOSEN....

EUREKA!!

Comment Turned Commentary

2005-11-28T22:15:00.000-08:00

I left a comment on another blog that became more of a commentary than a comment, so I figured it would be worth posting here as well. I will expound a bit more before I share the "comment" so that those who have no idea of the issue won't become totally lost.

The basic point of discussion is privacy of others and one's own experience. Where is the line when I speak of others. For instance, I will be on the phone with a friend and talking about something I experienced with my son. (This has really been happening lately!) I am in the middle of sharing something and my son will realize what is being talked about and say something like, "MOM! Don't tell anyone! I don't want you to talk about that!" What should I do? Go in the other room and tell them anyway? Not tell? Use "annonimity" and say, "I know a child who?" (btw, he is an only child. It is not like people wouldn't know who I was talking about) Talk to him and explain that I was part of the experience too and I will share things?

Probably a combination of those things and some other options not listed. It also depends a LOT on what I am discussing with others, how strongly he feels, etc. Do I need to clear everything with him before I talk to others?

What about my husband who is SO private it is painful to us both! He doesn't even realize how much love he keeps out because he won't let people in. Did I just share too much? I don't think so but I am sure that he would!

Well, for now here is what I posted...I will continue to ruminate.

I am surprised at how an issue between others is reverberatng in my life. It is going through me on multiple levels.

My husband is a doctor and his patients want to know about his experience, etc. re: other patients for multiple reasons. They even want to know details....as many as possible. Yet would the ones asking want themselves used as an example?

Hmmmmm......

Not many of us like to look at ourselves with much scrutiny. When we hear things from others we can feel betrayed and wounded even if (sometimes especially if) what they say is true. Hard to say what can and can not be said no matter what the situation.

I know I want to know. I want to know others experience. I want to share my experience. Not in an exploitive way but in a compassionate/learning way.

Just the other night for some reason I was watching "wife-swap" I only caught bits and pieces of it with everything else I had going on. However, one thing came clear and made me uncomfortable. One woman had her way of living and handling her family, that she had justified as totally appropriate and right, examined and scrutinized. However, it was obvious to EVERYONE but herself that she was denying the truth about how she was really behaving and relating in her life. She was so uncomfortable with everything that she attempted to hold the show hostage in order to get her own way.

Now, did I really want to know everything about this woman's life? No, I don't really need to know all the intimate details!! The bits and pieces I saw were enough.

However, I am PROFOUNDLY grateful to her. I became uncomfortable. Not because I was seeing her and didn't like it. I was uncomfortable because I had the thought that I needed to look closer at myself. Was I doing some of those same things? Maybe not the same details but was the tendency the same? The pain I felt told me the answer was YES.

I am WIERD though. I like that! I want to examine myself that closely. I want those in my life to help me look that closely. Most of us most of the time though (and even myself on MANY occasions) want to close the door of the messy room and pretend it is clean in there or at the very least that we have no idea it is indeed messy.

The other night I wanted the truth more than pretending there was a messy room. Tomorrow, who knows how open I will be or how willing I will be to receive it. My openess varies like everyone elses.

I do hope that the people in my life will find a way to share the truth with love and even tough love the times that is needed. I hope I will continue to be open and learning about myself. I hope that I will be able to learn about myself through the stories of others as well. I need them because they help me learn my own story.

There is strength in truth...even when it hurts.

Flighty Realizations

2005-09-24T21:46:00.000-07:00

On the way to the gym this morning I had a significant realization. However, at the moment I can't remember what it is. I find this quite annoying because I repeated it several times and thought about it in several different ways because I knew it was important, significant and that it would behoove me to remember it. Alas....

Was it something to do with asking permission? Possibly. Watching "Inconcievable" last night I was struck and impressed with the scene where one of the women who work at the clinic decided to apply to adopt one of the babies. She walks into the director's office with the financial paperwork asking for a letter of reccomendation and the director begins to raise a lot of objections. After a minute or so of this the woman says firmly, "I didn't come in here to ask for your permission. I just want the letter of recomendation." I have been ruminating on how that issue plays itself out in my life since then.

Still, I don't think that is quite it.

Maybe something about communication. Hmmm...

Looks like I will have to wait till it floats back into my consciousness. Hopefully a pad and pen will be more handy the next time.

Real Love

2005-09-23T22:25:00.000-07:00

I wonder why it is so wierd to just take care of myself? I am adult. I need to trust that I can handle things as an adult and stop trying to rescue and protect everyone else (except me) from everything they don't like. Because then I turn around and want someone else to rescue me from life and my own feelings and I am annoyed when I am surrounded by people who want me to handle myself well when I feel like I am falling apart and while they fall apart as well.

Then things are complicated by my intense desire for a baby.

Ugh.

How trained I was (especially by the church) to take responsibility...for everything anyone else didn't want.

How strange to be an adult and trust myself to take care of myself and then in turn trust others to take care of themselves too!

It's called Real Love!!

Another day...

2005-09-22T22:42:00.000-07:00

Well, after the declaration of yesterday, it was a pretty ordinary day.

No, wars. No revolts or revolutions.

Then again....the only place the declaration was posted was here...

Hmmmm.....I wonder if that has anything to do with it.

Probably not.

I wonder what tomorrow would bring.

The Chronicle of My Commitment

2005-09-21T23:28:00.000-07:00

The kind of commitment I desire varies from moment to moment (see previous post) and right now I am undecided.

I would like to be committed to the things in my life that seem to be desiring/requiring my commitment. I examine things a bit closer to find that they really want something from me and yet at this point I fail to see what I am getting from the deal except more responsibility for other peoples lives/happiness/etc. Soooo,

Hear ye!! Hear ye!!

To all those to whom it matters and to those to whom I have a significant role in your lives,

I hereby resign any perceived, assumed or desired (on your part or mine) responsibility for your happiness!! It is no longer (nor do I believe it really ever was) within my power to save you from your own misery. I love you and most importantly I love myself! I love myself and you enough to shuck off the illusion (FOREVER!) that your unhappiness is my fault or responsibility.

I am however, happy to be happy with you or beside you. I will grieve with you and/or for you. And so on and so forth. However as much as I empathize with your burdens....I am now clear and I want you to be about one very important point (although it really doesn't matter if you are clear or not it would just make things a bit smoother)....those burdens are not mine!

Be warned that I will not tolerate you taking your misery out upon me!! I am NOT your whipping girl! I am a lovely, loving woman and as it it up to me to make sure I am treated appropriately I am doing so beginning now!!

I know I will not always handle this transformation gracefully (case in point the last 48 hours). I also know that for the most part I have handle my life and each transformation at each new level remarkably well for the circumstances I was in and the development I have achieved. I love myself. I am a remarkable woman! I am a Woman Unlike Any Other Woman! WUAOW!!!

Each and every one of you are so lucky to have me as a part of your life!

And the truth is also that I am lucky to have you as a part of my life. I am learning so much every day!

A free soul!

Today I am a little worn out by the lessons of life. The freeing of a soul can be exhausting work! I am just tired of being afraid of life...afraid someone will leave, afraid I won't have money to pay a bill, afraid I will forget to pay a bill, afraid I won't be good enough, afraid I won't be loved, afraid I will make too many and/or too terrible of a mistake, afraid I'll be hurt, afraid I'll be alone, afraid I'll be left, afraid I won't be loved.

The amount of feeling I have simply put "on hold" to be dealt with at a later time is really staggering. I am also impatient. I want it to be done now! I want this emotional work done. Fine, it's going to hurt, let's get it over with and then move on. But it seems like there is too much and then the overwhelm starts again and then the apathy and the fear.

Still somewhere deep down something else keeps growing and growing and I find myself going to a movie. Going to a movie by myself...on purpose even! I plan it and then go having considered going with someone else and realizing that I only wanted my own company and no one else's. Going and having the realization that most of everyday there is chatter going on in my head about what someone else thinks, whether it is the right choice (according to WHOM????), and on and on and on...

And I am sad because that was the first time I ever realized that I did something by myself, for myself, with no guilt and no agonizing. With peace. Wow...

"Waiter.....I'll have what she's having....Oh, and make it a double!"

Peace...

Delicious, wonderful, quiet, peace...

Yes, I am committed to living there!

Oh well....

2004-12-01T21:08:00.000-08:00

....what can you do?

Life just keeps on going doesn't it? Whether you are handling it fine, want to crawl into a hole and pull the hole in after you or if it feels like running, screaming down the street in your underwear would be a good plan. (At least with the last option they would take you somewhere with low demands on your time and mental functioning.)

Sometimes I want to put everything but me on pause for a few minutes to several hours (or days) and get my bearings. I would like to know when everything became such an emergency!

First Post ~ Nov. 28, 2004

2004-11-28T21:57:00.000-08:00

Visiting Italy earlier this month was an amazing experience. I visited a cemetery in Bologna that was absolutely amazing. The thing was a museum! Statues.....gorgeous statues....were everywhere. There is nothing like it here.

Italy was also an adventure in personal growth...but more on that at another time.

Right now I am sitting in my cool San Diego home-office and LOVING that it is not snowing or frigid outside and that I am blessed with technology and time to explore doing what I love!

That is all for now....
Junipurr