Mawwage...

"Mawwage is what bwings us twogevow today!"

Ok, "Princess Bride" is one of the best movies of all time! I can't believe that anyone doesn't like that movie. I guess I should have paid more attention when I was engaged to my "ex" and he said he didn't like it and didn't get it.

It was a sign! (...except I don't really believe in those anymore damnit!)

Anyway, our topic this hour is marriage.

I was sold a bill of goods my whole life that "eternal marriage" was the only "real" marriage and the only kind of marriage worth ANYTHING. At this point all I have to say about that is BULL-SHIT!

I was taught that the Spirit would guide me to the right man if I just listened to the whisperings. Well, I have had two "eternal marriages" now that weren't so "eternal" after all. I was seeking for a partner and a friend in each one that I could spend "eternity" with loving and caring for one another. Instead in each I found that I was praying and living for eternity to "make everything better" because what I was living wasn't very sweet.

I was told to "have faith" and that I needed to keep my "eye on the prize" and "endure to the end" and I would be blessed. Well, I came to a realization. I didn't want to be miserable in this life with the "promise" that everything would turn around and be better in the next. I didn't want to be the "good little suffering soldier" any longer. Also, I didn't really believe that someone could spend a lifetime being one way and then if I were faithful enough that person would "spontaneously change" and things would be blissful for all eternity.

Ironically, it was when I rejected marriage that I found the exact kind of relationship that I have always been looking for. If there is an eternity, I believe it will be a lot like what I create here and now.

It is so much nicer spending my time with my best friend instead of someone who I wished would be at least friendly to me.

Reflections continued...

I have thought quite frequently that it is a bit of ironic justice that so many "strong and faithful" are leaving the church. We are those who were raised to believe and be faithful; who strove to know and live the fullness; who put aside time and time again any nagging logical thoughts that "this doesn't make sense"; who over and over again "made it work" and "just had faith" that God would give us the answers someday.

We want what to do the right thing, to live good lives, to be the best people we can be. We strive to live to live as "close to the gospel" as possible. We actually work very hard at it and study and serve and do our best to be faithful. We are those in a typical ward who have 2-5 callings because we WILL serve the best we can and feel obligated to "give all that we have been blessed with or that we will be blessed with to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for the building up of the kingdom of God on the earth" (I know I might not have gotten the quote exact, but it is close enough.). We will take just about whatever our "leaders" dish out because it is our duty as faithful servants to support our inspired leaders...after all we covenanted to do so.

The irony comes that it is this aspect of ourselves that can end up "causing" us to leave the church. We study to be more faithful and learn more and discover things (even in the "official" sources) that we can no longer explain away or "put off" for a higher explanation later. (I will address a lot of these in later posts.) Or we are finally broken by the weight of all that is given for us to carry by those who won't and we say enough and start looking at the basic assuptions that we have never wondered about before and just accepted "on faith".

Whatever happens, we figure out that it is ultimately just a bunch of men (lots of them flat out liars) who founded an organization and the current batch is just running a corporation. At that point our own integrity that kept us striving to remain in the Church "doing the right thing" will no longer let us support an organization that is not "doing the right thing". We CAN'T stay in the LDS Church.

Then we are villianized by those who stay because they have to have an explanation for why we left that doesn't challenge their ability to stay. So fundamentally we have to be sinning or offended or in denial about the truth, etc. It is the only way to explain it.

The personality we have that made it possible for us to stay for so long then makes it IMpossible to stay once we reach a certain point. Fascinating.

Real Love

I wonder why it is so wierd to just take care of myself? I am adult. I need to trust that I can handle things as an adult and stop trying to rescue and protect everyone else (except me) from everything they don't like. Because then I turn around and want someone else to rescue me from life and my own feelings and I am annoyed when I am surrounded by people who want me to handle myself well when I feel like I am falling apart and while they fall apart as well.

Then things are complicated by my intense desire for a baby.

Ugh.

How trained I was (especially by the church) to take responsibility...for everything anyone else didn't want.

How strange to be an adult and trust myself to take care of myself and then in turn trust others to take care of themselves too!

It's called Real Love!!