Mawwage...

"Mawwage is what bwings us twogevow today!"

Ok, "Princess Bride" is one of the best movies of all time! I can't believe that anyone doesn't like that movie. I guess I should have paid more attention when I was engaged to my "ex" and he said he didn't like it and didn't get it.

It was a sign! (...except I don't really believe in those anymore damnit!)

Anyway, our topic this hour is marriage.

I was sold a bill of goods my whole life that "eternal marriage" was the only "real" marriage and the only kind of marriage worth ANYTHING. At this point all I have to say about that is BULL-SHIT!

I was taught that the Spirit would guide me to the right man if I just listened to the whisperings. Well, I have had two "eternal marriages" now that weren't so "eternal" after all. I was seeking for a partner and a friend in each one that I could spend "eternity" with loving and caring for one another. Instead in each I found that I was praying and living for eternity to "make everything better" because what I was living wasn't very sweet.

I was told to "have faith" and that I needed to keep my "eye on the prize" and "endure to the end" and I would be blessed. Well, I came to a realization. I didn't want to be miserable in this life with the "promise" that everything would turn around and be better in the next. I didn't want to be the "good little suffering soldier" any longer. Also, I didn't really believe that someone could spend a lifetime being one way and then if I were faithful enough that person would "spontaneously change" and things would be blissful for all eternity.

Ironically, it was when I rejected marriage that I found the exact kind of relationship that I have always been looking for. If there is an eternity, I believe it will be a lot like what I create here and now.

It is so much nicer spending my time with my best friend instead of someone who I wished would be at least friendly to me.

Real Love

I wonder why it is so wierd to just take care of myself? I am adult. I need to trust that I can handle things as an adult and stop trying to rescue and protect everyone else (except me) from everything they don't like. Because then I turn around and want someone else to rescue me from life and my own feelings and I am annoyed when I am surrounded by people who want me to handle myself well when I feel like I am falling apart and while they fall apart as well.

Then things are complicated by my intense desire for a baby.

Ugh.

How trained I was (especially by the church) to take responsibility...for everything anyone else didn't want.

How strange to be an adult and trust myself to take care of myself and then in turn trust others to take care of themselves too!

It's called Real Love!!