Reflections continued...

I have thought quite frequently that it is a bit of ironic justice that so many "strong and faithful" are leaving the church. We are those who were raised to believe and be faithful; who strove to know and live the fullness; who put aside time and time again any nagging logical thoughts that "this doesn't make sense"; who over and over again "made it work" and "just had faith" that God would give us the answers someday.

We want what to do the right thing, to live good lives, to be the best people we can be. We strive to live to live as "close to the gospel" as possible. We actually work very hard at it and study and serve and do our best to be faithful. We are those in a typical ward who have 2-5 callings because we WILL serve the best we can and feel obligated to "give all that we have been blessed with or that we will be blessed with to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for the building up of the kingdom of God on the earth" (I know I might not have gotten the quote exact, but it is close enough.). We will take just about whatever our "leaders" dish out because it is our duty as faithful servants to support our inspired leaders...after all we covenanted to do so.

The irony comes that it is this aspect of ourselves that can end up "causing" us to leave the church. We study to be more faithful and learn more and discover things (even in the "official" sources) that we can no longer explain away or "put off" for a higher explanation later. (I will address a lot of these in later posts.) Or we are finally broken by the weight of all that is given for us to carry by those who won't and we say enough and start looking at the basic assuptions that we have never wondered about before and just accepted "on faith".

Whatever happens, we figure out that it is ultimately just a bunch of men (lots of them flat out liars) who founded an organization and the current batch is just running a corporation. At that point our own integrity that kept us striving to remain in the Church "doing the right thing" will no longer let us support an organization that is not "doing the right thing". We CAN'T stay in the LDS Church.

Then we are villianized by those who stay because they have to have an explanation for why we left that doesn't challenge their ability to stay. So fundamentally we have to be sinning or offended or in denial about the truth, etc. It is the only way to explain it.

The personality we have that made it possible for us to stay for so long then makes it IMpossible to stay once we reach a certain point. Fascinating.

Reflections on Leaving Mormonism

Some have wondered how I could leave Mormonism. I was so strong, so faithful. My testimony was so strong. How could I possibly fall?

I personally think that the loss of someone with "strenth of testimony" I used to have scares those that are still in the church. They simply don't know how to deal with what looks like such an extreme change. While it is true that there are MANY things that are different about how I live my life now, it is interesting how many essential things have NOT changed.

The rumors are that I let myself get tempted and fell into sin. That my thinking and soul has been corrupted by leading a sinful life that I now justify by finding fault with the LDS Church. That I have become a classic apostate (there are also probably rumors of me reaching much darker depths) and I have become one to be wary of and that I am definately very deluded if I can deny my former testimony and "turn my back" on God and the Church.

More innocent explanations are that I am just mad about how "certain things" have been handled. That I am eventually going to "get over it" and I will "find my way back." To those with that opinion: Please don't hold your breath.

Ironically I don't think that I have really changed that much at all. I am still the same person at my core. I still want to do the right thing. I just no longer hold "God says so" as a very good basis for a moral code and it is not even a very solid basis. (Yes there can actually be morality without God!!)

So, I have decided to formalize some of my thoughts on this subject here in this blog. There is so much that it will take multiple posts. However this blog won't become only a series of rants so no worries!

Over a year and a half has passed...

Nearly two years since my last post actually.

Wow! So much is different.

The end of June 2006 I moved back to Colorado. I'm happy here. I have grown so much here.

Yes, I miss the ocean but the mountains are great!

Lots of changes...still more to come!

Change...

Things they are a changin'.

My body itself is experiencing massive change. It is wonderful! I can feel it within me. New muscles. New energy. New life.

This change within me is manifesting physically and I am loving it!

It is a little bit odd in different moments.

Yes, this fat chick is shedding her former negative beliefs and thoughts...with them come the FAT!!

Yippee!

The best part is...although there are moments of nervousness because this is so new...there is no more fear at my core. I am peaceful. I am healing.

I am having a want everything to change, get better and "poof" be the way I want it to be...all by my going back to bed...kind of day.

Nothing is definably wrong. I just want to do everything and yet also want to do nothing (be taken care of) at the same time. Wierd.

That is just the space I am in today. There is so much to be done....so much I want to do and so much I want to get done and there is this undercurrent of "make it all go away!!!!!!"

I don't understand this and I guess I really don't have to. The hours of today will pass whether I understand it or not.

I have done a lot today. I just hate the icky undercurrent going on.

*Sigh...*

Pics of the trip to Eureka are back!
This is of a "side trip" we took up the coast a bit to Trinidad.

My friend kept telling me "don't look it is just too ugly!!"

Too bad she was right! :D

I loved it sooooo much! We are hoping to go back up there soon...REALLY soon.
The beauty and majesty of nature always amaze me.

"Dad" says that too many in this world suffer from NDD (Nature Deficit Disorder). After the wonderful experience I had up here I am inclined to agree! I plan to continue to my recovery by spending time in nature and next to the ocean as much as possible.

This was taking during a walk in the "yard" (a.k.a. the 5 acres we stayed on). We had such a good time exploring and seeing how incredible nature is!!

There were many different kinds of mushrooms and they grew litereally EVERYWHERE!!!

I took 18 rolls of film on this trip. I positively LOVED photographing everything. I am going to post just a couple of the highlights here though! I positively MUST return to photography!!! :D
I am deeply grateful that I took so many photos. I have such a deep feeling return as I look at them.

I am excited to get them scrapbooked. I am thinking about enlarging some of them and framing them or something like that. Not all the details are there yet. Like most of the things in my life it is a work in progress.


There was sooooooo much green and it was all so beautiful.

My heart aches to return!

Comment Turned Commentary

I left a comment on another blog that became more of a commentary than a comment, so I figured it would be worth posting here as well. I will expound a bit more before I share the "comment" so that those who have no idea of the issue won't become totally lost.

The basic point of discussion is privacy of others and one's own experience. Where is the line when I speak of others. For instance, I will be on the phone with a friend and talking about something I experienced with my son. (This has really been happening lately!) I am in the middle of sharing something and my son will realize what is being talked about and say something like, "MOM! Don't tell anyone! I don't want you to talk about that!" What should I do? Go in the other room and tell them anyway? Not tell? Use "annonimity" and say, "I know a child who?" (btw, he is an only child. It is not like people wouldn't know who I was talking about) Talk to him and explain that I was part of the experience too and I will share things?

Probably a combination of those things and some other options not listed. It also depends a LOT on what I am discussing with others, how strongly he feels, etc. Do I need to clear everything with him before I talk to others?

What about my husband who is SO private it is painful to us both! He doesn't even realize how much love he keeps out because he won't let people in. Did I just share too much? I don't think so but I am sure that he would!

Well, for now here is what I posted...I will continue to ruminate.

I am surprised at how an issue between others is reverberatng in my life. It is going through me on multiple levels.

My husband is a doctor and his patients want to know about his experience, etc. re: other patients for multiple reasons. They even want to know details....as many as possible. Yet would the ones asking want themselves used as an example?

Hmmmmm......

Not many of us like to look at ourselves with much scrutiny. When we hear things from others we can feel betrayed and wounded even if (sometimes especially if) what they say is true. Hard to say what can and can not be said no matter what the situation.

I know I want to know. I want to know others experience. I want to share my experience. Not in an exploitive way but in a compassionate/learning way.

Just the other night for some reason I was watching "wife-swap" I only caught bits and pieces of it with everything else I had going on. However, one thing came clear and made me uncomfortable. One woman had her way of living and handling her family, that she had justified as totally appropriate and right, examined and scrutinized. However, it was obvious to EVERYONE but herself that she was denying the truth about how she was really behaving and relating in her life. She was so uncomfortable with everything that she attempted to hold the show hostage in order to get her own way.

Now, did I really want to know everything about this woman's life? No, I don't really need to know all the intimate details!! The bits and pieces I saw were enough.

However, I am PROFOUNDLY grateful to her. I became uncomfortable. Not because I was seeing her and didn't like it. I was uncomfortable because I had the thought that I needed to look closer at myself. Was I doing some of those same things? Maybe not the same details but was the tendency the same? The pain I felt told me the answer was YES.

I am WIERD though. I like that! I want to examine myself that closely. I want those in my life to help me look that closely. Most of us most of the time though (and even myself on MANY occasions) want to close the door of the messy room and pretend it is clean in there or at the very least that we have no idea it is indeed messy.

The other night I wanted the truth more than pretending there was a messy room. Tomorrow, who knows how open I will be or how willing I will be to receive it. My openess varies like everyone elses.

I do hope that the people in my life will find a way to share the truth with love and even tough love the times that is needed. I hope I will continue to be open and learning about myself. I hope that I will be able to learn about myself through the stories of others as well. I need them because they help me learn my own story.

There is strength in truth...even when it hurts.

Real Love

I wonder why it is so wierd to just take care of myself? I am adult. I need to trust that I can handle things as an adult and stop trying to rescue and protect everyone else (except me) from everything they don't like. Because then I turn around and want someone else to rescue me from life and my own feelings and I am annoyed when I am surrounded by people who want me to handle myself well when I feel like I am falling apart and while they fall apart as well.

Then things are complicated by my intense desire for a baby.

Ugh.

How trained I was (especially by the church) to take responsibility...for everything anyone else didn't want.

How strange to be an adult and trust myself to take care of myself and then in turn trust others to take care of themselves too!

It's called Real Love!!