Comment Turned Commentary

I left a comment on another blog that became more of a commentary than a comment, so I figured it would be worth posting here as well. I will expound a bit more before I share the "comment" so that those who have no idea of the issue won't become totally lost.

The basic point of discussion is privacy of others and one's own experience. Where is the line when I speak of others. For instance, I will be on the phone with a friend and talking about something I experienced with my son. (This has really been happening lately!) I am in the middle of sharing something and my son will realize what is being talked about and say something like, "MOM! Don't tell anyone! I don't want you to talk about that!" What should I do? Go in the other room and tell them anyway? Not tell? Use "annonimity" and say, "I know a child who?" (btw, he is an only child. It is not like people wouldn't know who I was talking about) Talk to him and explain that I was part of the experience too and I will share things?

Probably a combination of those things and some other options not listed. It also depends a LOT on what I am discussing with others, how strongly he feels, etc. Do I need to clear everything with him before I talk to others?

What about my husband who is SO private it is painful to us both! He doesn't even realize how much love he keeps out because he won't let people in. Did I just share too much? I don't think so but I am sure that he would!

Well, for now here is what I posted...I will continue to ruminate.

I am surprised at how an issue between others is reverberatng in my life. It is going through me on multiple levels.

My husband is a doctor and his patients want to know about his experience, etc. re: other patients for multiple reasons. They even want to know details....as many as possible. Yet would the ones asking want themselves used as an example?

Hmmmmm......

Not many of us like to look at ourselves with much scrutiny. When we hear things from others we can feel betrayed and wounded even if (sometimes especially if) what they say is true. Hard to say what can and can not be said no matter what the situation.

I know I want to know. I want to know others experience. I want to share my experience. Not in an exploitive way but in a compassionate/learning way.

Just the other night for some reason I was watching "wife-swap" I only caught bits and pieces of it with everything else I had going on. However, one thing came clear and made me uncomfortable. One woman had her way of living and handling her family, that she had justified as totally appropriate and right, examined and scrutinized. However, it was obvious to EVERYONE but herself that she was denying the truth about how she was really behaving and relating in her life. She was so uncomfortable with everything that she attempted to hold the show hostage in order to get her own way.

Now, did I really want to know everything about this woman's life? No, I don't really need to know all the intimate details!! The bits and pieces I saw were enough.

However, I am PROFOUNDLY grateful to her. I became uncomfortable. Not because I was seeing her and didn't like it. I was uncomfortable because I had the thought that I needed to look closer at myself. Was I doing some of those same things? Maybe not the same details but was the tendency the same? The pain I felt told me the answer was YES.

I am WIERD though. I like that! I want to examine myself that closely. I want those in my life to help me look that closely. Most of us most of the time though (and even myself on MANY occasions) want to close the door of the messy room and pretend it is clean in there or at the very least that we have no idea it is indeed messy.

The other night I wanted the truth more than pretending there was a messy room. Tomorrow, who knows how open I will be or how willing I will be to receive it. My openess varies like everyone elses.

I do hope that the people in my life will find a way to share the truth with love and even tough love the times that is needed. I hope I will continue to be open and learning about myself. I hope that I will be able to learn about myself through the stories of others as well. I need them because they help me learn my own story.

There is strength in truth...even when it hurts.

Flighty Realizations

On the way to the gym this morning I had a significant realization. However, at the moment I can't remember what it is. I find this quite annoying because I repeated it several times and thought about it in several different ways because I knew it was important, significant and that it would behoove me to remember it. Alas....

Was it something to do with asking permission? Possibly. Watching "Inconcievable" last night I was struck and impressed with the scene where one of the women who work at the clinic decided to apply to adopt one of the babies. She walks into the director's office with the financial paperwork asking for a letter of reccomendation and the director begins to raise a lot of objections. After a minute or so of this the woman says firmly, "I didn't come in here to ask for your permission. I just want the letter of recomendation." I have been ruminating on how that issue plays itself out in my life since then.

Still, I don't think that is quite it.

Maybe something about communication. Hmmm...

Looks like I will have to wait till it floats back into my consciousness. Hopefully a pad and pen will be more handy the next time.

Real Love

I wonder why it is so wierd to just take care of myself? I am adult. I need to trust that I can handle things as an adult and stop trying to rescue and protect everyone else (except me) from everything they don't like. Because then I turn around and want someone else to rescue me from life and my own feelings and I am annoyed when I am surrounded by people who want me to handle myself well when I feel like I am falling apart and while they fall apart as well.

Then things are complicated by my intense desire for a baby.

Ugh.

How trained I was (especially by the church) to take responsibility...for everything anyone else didn't want.

How strange to be an adult and trust myself to take care of myself and then in turn trust others to take care of themselves too!

It's called Real Love!!

Another day...

Well, after the declaration of yesterday, it was a pretty ordinary day.

No, wars. No revolts or revolutions.

Then again....the only place the declaration was posted was here...

Hmmmm.....I wonder if that has anything to do with it.

Probably not.

I wonder what tomorrow would bring.

The Chronicle of My Commitment

The kind of commitment I desire varies from moment to moment (see previous post) and right now I am undecided.

I would like to be committed to the things in my life that seem to be desiring/requiring my commitment. I examine things a bit closer to find that they really want something from me and yet at this point I fail to see what I am getting from the deal except more responsibility for other peoples lives/happiness/etc. Soooo,


Hear ye!! Hear ye!!

To all those to whom it matters and to those to whom I have a significant role in your lives,

I hereby resign any perceived, assumed or desired (on your part or mine) responsibility for your happiness!! It is no longer (nor do I believe it really ever was) within my power to save you from your own misery. I love you and most importantly I love myself! I love myself and you enough to shuck off the illusion (FOREVER!) that your unhappiness is my fault or responsibility.

I am however, happy to be happy with you or beside you. I will grieve with you and/or for you. And so on and so forth. However as much as I empathize with your burdens....I am now clear and I want you to be about one very important point (although it really doesn't matter if you are clear or not it would just make things a bit smoother)....those burdens are not mine!

Be warned that I will not tolerate you taking your misery out upon me!! I am NOT your whipping girl! I am a lovely, loving woman and as it it up to me to make sure I am treated appropriately I am doing so beginning now!!

I know I will not always handle this transformation gracefully (case in point the last 48 hours). I also know that for the most part I have handle my life and each transformation at each new level remarkably well for the circumstances I was in and the development I have achieved. I love myself. I am a remarkable woman! I am a Woman Unlike Any Other Woman! WUAOW!!!

Each and every one of you are so lucky to have me as a part of your life!

And the truth is also that I am lucky to have you as a part of my life. I am learning so much every day!

A free soul!



Today I am a little worn out by the lessons of life. The freeing of a soul can be exhausting work! I am just tired of being afraid of life...afraid someone will leave, afraid I won't have money to pay a bill, afraid I will forget to pay a bill, afraid I won't be good enough, afraid I won't be loved, afraid I will make too many and/or too terrible of a mistake, afraid I'll be hurt, afraid I'll be alone, afraid I'll be left, afraid I won't be loved.

The amount of feeling I have simply put "on hold" to be dealt with at a later time is really staggering. I am also impatient. I want it to be done now! I want this emotional work done. Fine, it's going to hurt, let's get it over with and then move on. But it seems like there is too much and then the overwhelm starts again and then the apathy and the fear.

Still somewhere deep down something else keeps growing and growing and I find myself going to a movie. Going to a movie by myself...on purpose even! I plan it and then go having considered going with someone else and realizing that I only wanted my own company and no one else's. Going and having the realization that most of everyday there is chatter going on in my head about what someone else thinks, whether it is the right choice (according to WHOM????), and on and on and on...

And I am sad because that was the first time I ever realized that I did something by myself, for myself, with no guilt and no agonizing. With peace. Wow...

"Waiter.....I'll have what she's having....Oh, and make it a double!"

Peace...

Delicious, wonderful, quiet, peace...

Yes, I am committed to living there!