Flighty Realizations

On the way to the gym this morning I had a significant realization. However, at the moment I can't remember what it is. I find this quite annoying because I repeated it several times and thought about it in several different ways because I knew it was important, significant and that it would behoove me to remember it. Alas....

Was it something to do with asking permission? Possibly. Watching "Inconcievable" last night I was struck and impressed with the scene where one of the women who work at the clinic decided to apply to adopt one of the babies. She walks into the director's office with the financial paperwork asking for a letter of reccomendation and the director begins to raise a lot of objections. After a minute or so of this the woman says firmly, "I didn't come in here to ask for your permission. I just want the letter of recomendation." I have been ruminating on how that issue plays itself out in my life since then.

Still, I don't think that is quite it.

Maybe something about communication. Hmmm...

Looks like I will have to wait till it floats back into my consciousness. Hopefully a pad and pen will be more handy the next time.

Real Love

I wonder why it is so wierd to just take care of myself? I am adult. I need to trust that I can handle things as an adult and stop trying to rescue and protect everyone else (except me) from everything they don't like. Because then I turn around and want someone else to rescue me from life and my own feelings and I am annoyed when I am surrounded by people who want me to handle myself well when I feel like I am falling apart and while they fall apart as well.

Then things are complicated by my intense desire for a baby.

Ugh.

How trained I was (especially by the church) to take responsibility...for everything anyone else didn't want.

How strange to be an adult and trust myself to take care of myself and then in turn trust others to take care of themselves too!

It's called Real Love!!

Another day...

Well, after the declaration of yesterday, it was a pretty ordinary day.

No, wars. No revolts or revolutions.

Then again....the only place the declaration was posted was here...

Hmmmm.....I wonder if that has anything to do with it.

Probably not.

I wonder what tomorrow would bring.

The Chronicle of My Commitment

The kind of commitment I desire varies from moment to moment (see previous post) and right now I am undecided.

I would like to be committed to the things in my life that seem to be desiring/requiring my commitment. I examine things a bit closer to find that they really want something from me and yet at this point I fail to see what I am getting from the deal except more responsibility for other peoples lives/happiness/etc. Soooo,


Hear ye!! Hear ye!!

To all those to whom it matters and to those to whom I have a significant role in your lives,

I hereby resign any perceived, assumed or desired (on your part or mine) responsibility for your happiness!! It is no longer (nor do I believe it really ever was) within my power to save you from your own misery. I love you and most importantly I love myself! I love myself and you enough to shuck off the illusion (FOREVER!) that your unhappiness is my fault or responsibility.

I am however, happy to be happy with you or beside you. I will grieve with you and/or for you. And so on and so forth. However as much as I empathize with your burdens....I am now clear and I want you to be about one very important point (although it really doesn't matter if you are clear or not it would just make things a bit smoother)....those burdens are not mine!

Be warned that I will not tolerate you taking your misery out upon me!! I am NOT your whipping girl! I am a lovely, loving woman and as it it up to me to make sure I am treated appropriately I am doing so beginning now!!

I know I will not always handle this transformation gracefully (case in point the last 48 hours). I also know that for the most part I have handle my life and each transformation at each new level remarkably well for the circumstances I was in and the development I have achieved. I love myself. I am a remarkable woman! I am a Woman Unlike Any Other Woman! WUAOW!!!

Each and every one of you are so lucky to have me as a part of your life!

And the truth is also that I am lucky to have you as a part of my life. I am learning so much every day!

A free soul!



Today I am a little worn out by the lessons of life. The freeing of a soul can be exhausting work! I am just tired of being afraid of life...afraid someone will leave, afraid I won't have money to pay a bill, afraid I will forget to pay a bill, afraid I won't be good enough, afraid I won't be loved, afraid I will make too many and/or too terrible of a mistake, afraid I'll be hurt, afraid I'll be alone, afraid I'll be left, afraid I won't be loved.

The amount of feeling I have simply put "on hold" to be dealt with at a later time is really staggering. I am also impatient. I want it to be done now! I want this emotional work done. Fine, it's going to hurt, let's get it over with and then move on. But it seems like there is too much and then the overwhelm starts again and then the apathy and the fear.

Still somewhere deep down something else keeps growing and growing and I find myself going to a movie. Going to a movie by myself...on purpose even! I plan it and then go having considered going with someone else and realizing that I only wanted my own company and no one else's. Going and having the realization that most of everyday there is chatter going on in my head about what someone else thinks, whether it is the right choice (according to WHOM????), and on and on and on...

And I am sad because that was the first time I ever realized that I did something by myself, for myself, with no guilt and no agonizing. With peace. Wow...

"Waiter.....I'll have what she's having....Oh, and make it a double!"

Peace...

Delicious, wonderful, quiet, peace...

Yes, I am committed to living there!