Change...

Things they are a changin'.

My body itself is experiencing massive change. It is wonderful! I can feel it within me. New muscles. New energy. New life.

This change within me is manifesting physically and I am loving it!

It is a little bit odd in different moments.

Yes, this fat chick is shedding her former negative beliefs and thoughts...with them come the FAT!!

Yippee!

The best part is...although there are moments of nervousness because this is so new...there is no more fear at my core. I am peaceful. I am healing.

Shattered!

WOW!! WOW!! WOW!!

On Saturday I got the BEST gift! Without even realizing it was happening, in one fell swoop my negative core belief was totally SHATTERED!!

It was totally amazing. I knew it was powerful and I knew that it was wrecking havoc in multiple (dare I say every?) aspect of my life. At the same time I was working to erradicate it and there was nothing I could do of myself alone to shift it. I did a lot of groundwork yes. And I don't think that things Saturday would have happened the way they had if I hadn't done that much work in preparation. What a gift of Grace!

The farmer plows, prepares and plants...and yet ultimately has no real control over growth...and yet what could have grown if the work hadn't been done?

Still pretty pervasive and fantastic!

I love the changes and the peace...

I am having a want everything to change, get better and "poof" be the way I want it to be...all by my going back to bed...kind of day.

Nothing is definably wrong. I just want to do everything and yet also want to do nothing (be taken care of) at the same time. Wierd.

That is just the space I am in today. There is so much to be done....so much I want to do and so much I want to get done and there is this undercurrent of "make it all go away!!!!!!"

I don't understand this and I guess I really don't have to. The hours of today will pass whether I understand it or not.

I have done a lot today. I just hate the icky undercurrent going on.

*Sigh...*

Writing...

Madeline L'Engle said, "You have to write everyday whether you feel like it or not!" She went on to explain that sometimes the inspiration doesn't come before the writing begins only during or once work has begun. Sometimes inspiration doesn't come at all. Sometimes it is just work. However, if you don't do the work, when the inspiration does come there won't be readiness, training or ability waiting to receive it.

So, although I don't feel like writing today...I believe that deep down I do desire to write I am just unsure of what or how to give voice to my feelings/thoughts/etc. and I don't want to "fail" or be "bad" at what I do.

Pondering change...what I wouldn't give for a magic wand. I know what I want to be and how I want to be...I just seem to trip and fall each time I start down the path. Oh, well. I really, really, really want to "walk".

Gentle with myself. I am working on that one. I am so impatient with myself. I want to be good enough. That is part of why I loved being in Eureka (actually Loleta) so much. I finally felt "enough". Even when I was not being all the things I thought I should be or all the things I thought others thought I should be. I began to get the inkling and stirrings that I am enough.

I am enough just because I am.

I am enough....I am enough....I am enough...

Thoughtful Morning

I got up early this morning....VERY early and have had a interesting time. Funny how early mornings are different than late nights. My tendency is to stay up late and then sleep late. Yet mornings have a beautiful solitude that nights just don't seem to contain.

More peaceful. More focused. More introspective.

And the introspections that happen in the morning are so unique. Not nearly as prone to be filled with self-recriminations and long sessions with the "big ugly stick". Maybe that has to do with the prospect of a day ahead. I still haven't "failed" yet today. I haven't messed up on yet another goal. I haven't dropped the ball for someone else. Haven't screwed up my goal of using positive communication and yelled at my son (or husband). And on and on...

Quiet. A different kind of quiet. Not only is the family asleep....except for the cat who was thrilled I was up so could give him another can of food!....my harsh treatment of myself is quiet as well. I am much softer with myself in the morning.

Interesting...

I can still be a "night owl". Maybe I just need to use a different part of the "night".

Very interesting....

Pics of the trip to Eureka are back!
This is of a "side trip" we took up the coast a bit to Trinidad.

My friend kept telling me "don't look it is just too ugly!!"

Too bad she was right! :D

I loved it sooooo much! We are hoping to go back up there soon...REALLY soon.
The beauty and majesty of nature always amaze me.

"Dad" says that too many in this world suffer from NDD (Nature Deficit Disorder). After the wonderful experience I had up here I am inclined to agree! I plan to continue to my recovery by spending time in nature and next to the ocean as much as possible.

This was taking during a walk in the "yard" (a.k.a. the 5 acres we stayed on). We had such a good time exploring and seeing how incredible nature is!!

There were many different kinds of mushrooms and they grew litereally EVERYWHERE!!!

I took 18 rolls of film on this trip. I positively LOVED photographing everything. I am going to post just a couple of the highlights here though! I positively MUST return to photography!!! :D
I am deeply grateful that I took so many photos. I have such a deep feeling return as I look at them.

I am excited to get them scrapbooked. I am thinking about enlarging some of them and framing them or something like that. Not all the details are there yet. Like most of the things in my life it is a work in progress.


There was sooooooo much green and it was all so beautiful.

My heart aches to return!

Centering

I have recently returned from a trip to Northern California. Eureka!

I love on so many different levels that the town near where I stayed is named Eureka!

I had so many "Eureka!" moments. Many large ones and innumerable small ones. It was so valuable and important for me to spend the time there that I did. Was it just the timing and I would have realized what I did anyway no matter where I was? Was it the company I was keeping? Because it was fantastically wonderful and profoundly supportive? Was it my physical location? Being so close to the ocean and so near so much nature and beauty? Was it the unique combination of everything? Does it matter?

I just know that my visit there was healing and centering. I will be forever grateful that I was able to go. Return trips are already being planned by those who went and others are planned to bring along for our next visit.

Ultimately I suppose healing is a choice. One that each of us must make individually. Then, when the choice is made and it is truely CHOSEN....

EUREKA!!